An Antidote called “Denial”

You are in denial.

Every time you open your eyes and face the mirror, you see the same you. Your eyes, your skin, your nose: everything you see is what makes you who you are. Plastic surgery may take away the physical attributes but it can never replace your past. Believe it or not, it will never leave you.

You may see it worse than the tragedies the world knows and you know for yourself that this is a universal truth. You can run but never hide. Because of this “curse” you call past, you devised an antidote you drink every time you wake up and every night before going to bed. You call it “Dissociation”.

The next day after drinking the first antidote, you wake up and face the mirror. Slowly, you wiped away your breath that fogged up the glass. It was definitely breathtaking. You ran your gentle fingers all over your face still in shock of the miracle that just occurred. It is not you anymore. You are a different person now. Loud and proud, you walked down the streets greeting people as they smile and look your way. You are not invisible anymore. Suddenly, the world acknowledged your existence. You are in cloud 9 as we say. Because you’ve changed, people now see you as in demand. They want to be associated with you. They want to laugh with you, drink with you and party with you. This is what you’ve been dreaming for your entire life.

It lasted for years and years; but all good things come to an end. One day, you reach for the bottle in your medicine kit and then your worst nightmare happened. The bottle’s empty. Little by little the face you’ve been wearing all these years began shedding off like a snake’s skin. There you are again—the true you. That face you almost have forgotten appeared like a ghost. Yes, a ghost of your past.

You walked outside. You were wearing a hooded jacket on a summer’s day hoping no one would notice you. No one did. Once again, the day seemed to pass by just like any other day. Congratulations, you’re invisible once again.

Here’s the thing: it wasn’t an antidote you created but a poison that no apothecary offers. Dissociation or in layman’s term, denial, is a toxin that devours your mind little by little. It makes you feel as though the world is in favor of you. It gives you escapes close to impossible; but you’ll like it. It comforts you with false promises and deceitful ideas. Denial will never be an antidote. Try Acceptance. It just might work.

How to be an Epic Fail

“Failing to plan is planning to fail.” Now how do we plan to fail? Apparently, we don’t. Sometimes, we let everything slip into its own place making everything a total mess enough to call it an epic fail. These are actually no-brainer do-it-yourself steps so I bet you either don’t need to read this or you even outmaneuvered me or anybody else you know:

1. Pretend to be somebody else. You wake up every day and face yourself in the mirror. Look at yourself. What you see is what you get. The family you have, the lifestyle you do and the status where you’re at right now; these things make who you are. Unless you accept and live the life with honesty and acceptance, you would succeed in failing.
2. Take Relationships for Granted. A wise woman I know said, “Be nice to the people you meet today because the people you meet today may be the same people you meet tomorrow.” Now, if you are going to look at your friends, your family as trash bin materials, you will definitely fail. Who knows? May be in the future, you’ll need their help as they need yours.
3. Always think of yourself. When you walk down the streets, do you ever feel that everyone’s looking at you? Do you ever assume that you are always the center of everyone’s attention? Well you got it! There is a thin line between loving yourself and being egocentric. When you think that everything is all about you, then you’ll definitely fail.
4. Lose your Grit. Grit is, in my opinion, your passion and your long-term motivation. Sometimes, we do things for the sake of doing it. Why do you work? Why do you sacrifice your sleep for money? There is always a reason behind everything. There is always that driving force. Now, if you don’t have any motivation or any fuel, then you always end up giving up so easily because you think what you do is in vain.
5. Go with the Flow. Bandwagon is always the best propaganda technique. You enrolled in nursing because many do. You took up education because your mom told you so. You don’t have a voice for yourself. You are like a bottle toss around by waves. You are an aimless wanderer. When you do things just because people or most of us do it, then you’ll never succeed. Yeah, you’ll succeed in failing.

Have you done these steps yet? If yes, I bet you’re unhappy. The great news is, life is a never-ending chance of redemption. You may have succeeded in failing today; maybe tomorrow you’ll fail in failing.

It All Started With the B-Word

If unemployment and I are a couple, then we must be celebrating our fourth week right now.

What could be the Latin honor for a loser because I guess I need it? I was 20 when I graduated in college and 21 when I passed the licensure exam. It’s been four years now and with so much shame I admit I still do not know where to go.

I am turning 23 a few days from now and every day that passes by is like a piece of clothing taken off from me making me disgusted wondering how stupid could I get. I honestly do not enjoy the kind of life that I have now and the way I live it.

For the record, I had six jobs in just a short period of time. Judge me. It’s all right. Remember that lesson you get before you graduate telling you how your resume reflects the type of employee much more the type of person you are? Based on experience, the number of works you have would either validate you or invalidate you as a person.

I started as a teacher. I thought it was a nice school and I enjoyed teaching the kids but not mingling with the administration. On my sixth month just a few days before my birthday, an incident happened. I used the word “blacklisted” and channeled the wrong message to those students listed on my co-teacher’s “mean-during-discussion-list”. And so the message relay went on. One student took it very seriously and told her parents. Her parents called for the administration’s attention and soon lectured me. I managed to talk to the parent and was able to settle it. She even apologized and told me that I am her daughter’s favorite. I thought it was all settled. And then my messianic supervisor told the president as though it was fresh. I was in the middle of my discussion when one of the staff knocked on the door. I hurried to the president’s office where I saw the academic supervisor, the other two supervisors and the president himself. Of course my heart was beating so loud it almost felt like it’s breaking my rib cage. But I greeted them when I entered the way a professional must. Then the president started babbling. It didn’t take long for me to realize it was still about that case which was already settled. Now, the messianic and double-faced supervisor who reported the incident was attacking a different aspect of the case. I didn’t mention you when she confronted me why I used the b-listed word. It was my bad to answer, “As an English teacher, I know what the word means. That is why I used it.” She took it very personally and that was the topic of the urgent meeting. The president started with the statement, “Let me tell you that we (the president and the supervisors) are on our way back and yet you are just beginning your journey…” He was right. They are old people. I used old not mature people though. Because I was too overwhelmed, I tried to butt in which insulted the president. Out of his natural character he then cursed me and threatened to kick me on my face. Believe me, the words were crunchy and it struck me but I cannot and will never tolerate such treatment. We were all dressed nicely, the way professionals must and yet the whole act was a sham a blasphemy of professionalism. I never liked people looking down on me so I responded (this time, the supervisor beside me was holding my hand to tell me to stop). “My parents are both professionals and they love me. They never and will never lay their hands on me.” After that, I left trying so hard not to burst into tears but that moment was so strong it took all the courage in me. Thank God there was an empty room where I cried so hard wanting to leave instantly but I still have my class. I did not teach the last remaining subjects and I don’t want the students to make it a big deal.

After a month, I left the school. Oh I remember the last day when all students that I handled crowded in my room and sang a song they composed for me. I cried so hard as my first ever class in the employed world gathered around me and hugged me.

Why am I telling you this? I really do not know. I guess, we never really have a hold of what will happen in our lives. That was in my case. A few years ago, I was just in my classroom discussing to my students and enjoying the time of my life and then in just a snap, I was inside the president’s office cursed at by the president himself. Today, I feel like a frog that leaps from one leaf to another trying to find my way. It was that moment in my life that affected who I am right now and God forbid, will affect the rest of my life. It all started with the b-word.

Through Thick and Thin (And Thick Again)

So you’re lucky enough to get yourself a girlfriend in college, congratulations. You were even elected a student leader of the supreme student council for three consecutive years. And for some unexplainable turn of events, you were pushed to be a year level representative for Mr. and Miss Intramural. Talk about one hell of a college ride! You smiled at the thought but as soon as you passed by the large mirror on your bedroom wall, everything faded. 

That was you, was. Don’t be surprised when you change even after puberty, c’est la vie (that’s life). 

You graduated, had your first job and found new friends. Every  payday you go out and host a party where you drink all you can and eat all you want. Then you have the serious moments of your life when you just stay outside your company’s building and smoke at least three sticks for the half shift and just think about random stuff. What a life! 

The good thing is you realized your lifestyle will not be a lifestyle soon. You now branded it the bachelor’s deathstyle. The bad thing is, you gained weight, you looked advanced in your supposedly early 20’s years and it’s your college reunion tomorrow. Oh, fudge me. 

Just be honest, whoever wants to have reunions? Hate it. I hate family reunions and even friends and school reunions. It’s that moment in your life when you either boost yourself or slap your face with every person you meet. Here comes your aunts and cousins who would tell you, “You gained.” Apparently. What about your school reunion? It’s a parade of insecure group of yuppies who think narrating their successes one by one would make them the most famous of all, heck they even dreamed to be awarded as the outstanding after-college guy. 

Inhale, exhale. Chill. I can do it. Let’s be positive bro. You have lived a good life and that is all that matters. Looking at the positive side of the situation, you got friends there. And hello? You have Facebook and they’ve been updated. What difference it is when they tell it in your face that you’re now a fat guy than reading it from the comment they had in every picture you posted? Come on. 

So you grew, you learned. Every year that passed you gained not just the physical weight but also the weight of the lessons you acquired in life. These college buddies, I’m sure everyone has his or her own story to tell or a history to look back at or forget. However big your size is now, you still have people who love you through thick and thin, and thin again.